A Patience for Clear Skies
In the midst of a bout with anxiety I was having difficulty managing... sitting awake at 4:30 in the morning, I finally came to the realization that I was not going to finish the story that I had set out to complete. The piece that I was writing felt forced and inauthentic. My heart wasn't in it. My mind was on another planet from where I wanted it to be, and the words I had hoped would come, just were not coming. This was not going to come to pass this evening. I knew I needed rest more than I needed to complete the assignment... so there in the wee hours of the morning, I surrendered to anxiety and exhaustion and went to bed. I had disappointed myself and others.
Penelope, Poppie and Juniper
In the days surrounding this bout with anxiety, I had several social commitments that forced me to put on a smile and do my best to act like myself. This proved to be a monumental challenge, but I hobbled my way through each event. The first thing I attended was a birthday party for my friend, Austin... a commitment I made several weeks ago. In my mind not attending was out of the question. Austin's wife, Patricia, had planned an evening for Austin and I wanted to be there for my two friends. Despite contending the turbulence of my anxious, troubled mind; I did manage to have a good time. Something that helped me while I was there that took me by surprise was the affection shown to me by Austin and Patricia's dog, Penelope. Penelope is a mid-sized mutt (I have no great eye for breeds). She came up to me for attention and affection throughout the night and we had a "secret pact" of sorts: we had each other's back so to speak.
The next night I went to a Sounders watch party/game night at my friend Bernd's house. The company here — a group of about 7 — was a boisterous crew, and as such, I was not quite fitting the mold. I gradually got to a place of moderate joviality, but it took me a bit to get there. At this event there was Poppie: possibly a border collie mix. Poppie is perhaps the gentlest dog I know. She checked in on me a time or two, and I was so appreciative of her doing so. I gently scratched behind her ears in kind. An act she seemed to appreciate.
The final outing of this passing weekend occurred Sunday morning: a brunch with my friends, Estin, Taylor and Kameryn. Estin and Taylor hosted. Estin and Taylor have a dog named Juniper who, for whatever reason, gravitated toward me throughout the morning. She took to licking my ears a time or two... something I would ordinarily be annoyed with, but on this day, I welcomed the affection.
Three events... three separate dogs... each providing a bit of solace for my troubled mind. I was dealing with an anxiety born of a perceived slight, and I was frustrated with myself for how I was responding to the perceived offense. In the midst of this mental storm, I told myself to be patient and sit with it. Sometimes there's nothing to be done but to ride out the unease, pain, anxiety, sorrow, suffering, uncertainty, doubt, etc. and have faith that clearer skies will come. No feeling is final.
Several days went by before something in my head clicked. "No", I said to myself plainly. This other person doesn't get to shape or in any way influence who I am, or who I perceive myself to be. Who I am is my responsibility... it is my task. How other people respond to me is their task.
What other people think of me, or what sort of judgement they pass on me, is the task of other people, and is not something I can do anything about. (Kishimi and Koga 132)
Upon reflecting on this realization, the clouds within my mind began to roll away, and a sunnier outlook began to take shape. I became calmer, more settled and at ease. Some semblance of clarity began to take hold and overcome the anxiety that I had been dealing with for the past several days.
Those who suffer before it is necessary, suffer more than is necessary. ~ Seneca
I had been catastrophizing a great deal... wrestling with imagined future scenarios for which I felt a compulsion to find solutions. The task I had set for myself was nonsense. No amount of worrying was going to, in any way, effect what may or may not come to pass. The suffering I was putting myself through was unnecessary.
A few takeaways from this passing week:
- Who I am and who I am becoming is my responsibility.
- Whatever my future holds, whether it be good fortune or calamity, may I have the wisdom to face it as it comes and not before.
- When my mind begins to bend toward turbulence, may I have the wisdom to recognize that no state of mind is permanent.
- May I appreciate the companions in my life, human or otherwise, that meet me in my darkness and help me find my way.
Works Cited:
Kishimi, Ichiro, and Fumitake Koga. The Courage to Be Disliked. Atria Books, 2018.
